Summary: When Harry Met Sally View On Friendships (4/2005 – CII)
It is the age-old question of why males act the way they do. It is the question that stumps most females and even males. It is the question that affects all male-female friendships. Is it possible for members of the opposite sex to simply have a relationship that is purely for friendship? Is attraction that corrosive that no matter how strong a platonic friendship may seem, it is untimely doomed due to the simple difference of chromosomes and our true wants? Cultural evidence seems to infer that most friendships are personal façades that mask the true need for companionship. The movie When Harry Met Sally introduces the common interactions between males and females and poses this premise. People can only have actual friendships between the opposite sex so long as it is platonic. Meaning that males cannot have a friendship with a female that he sees remotely attractive.
Some can say that movies are meant to entertain and that this statement is meant merely to aid the plot. But keep in mind all the couples that you know that are together after they became friends. Look For Friends First When Online Dating is the title to this article that tries to guide online daters on how to find the “friend” first which can become a potential long-term partner. This approach is only logical since the person has begun to understand the other person, their virtues, their vices, and who the person truly is. So why approach a random stranger when half the work is already done? Regardless of the source of the premise, its message is synonymous to the cultural truth. Most inter-gender friendships are meant to find companionship; i.e. sexual or the ideal long-term partner (“the one”). Lets face it, they already have friends (of the same sex) whom give them the friendly companionship, the friendship that inter-gender relationships offer is the kind stated above. Of course, like always there are exceptions to the rule. It is important to take note that there are actual friendships that are purely non-sexual due to various reasons. Such examples are childhood friendships, which have the potential to become high school sweethearts or true best friends. There is such history behind childhood friendships that all thoughts of sexual attraction have long escaped thought. These and other friendships can also establish a surrogate older/younger brother/sister relationship in which the two have known each other for so long that the two consider themselves surrogate siblings.
Although these are all valid points in which guys and girls have an actual friendship, remember that these types of relationships are not common. But all exceptions aside, “men and women cannot be friends because the sex part always gets in the way” since the physical urges (no matter how small) due to one being attracted to the other, will ultimately ruin the friendship. When both parties are attracted to each other, it is acknowledged to both members, and they wish to move the friendship further, this creates a relationship (which also terminates the friendship). Men especially cannot be friends with a woman that he finds attractive due to the reasons above. It is amazing how attraction truly is. In the movie When Harry Met Sally, Sally (Meg Ryan) claims that she has many guy friends and that it is purely platonic. Many can make this similar argument but where is the proof? One cannot simply ask the other if they are attracted to them without threatening their relationship. And a white lie can easily mask what the other’s true intentions are. Note that it is “relationship” and not “friendship” because as stated above, the friendships between male and females are just buffers to see if this person is truly someone that has the potential to be a long-term partner. One can personally say they have seen women who prefer the company of male friends over female friends. Women who prefer to be “one of the guys” but is that truly the case? Sure, she might not see it but all her male friends definitely find her attractive in some way or vice versa. Once the true intentions of the relationship are out there, this would inevitably ruin the relationship as well.
Attraction is the corrosive factor on relationships. Attraction of either physical or mental (intelligence, money, power and etc. as well) still comes from the root of sexual desire. Regardless of the reason of attraction, this subconsciously triggers a switch that compels us to want to have sex with the person that he/she is attracted to. Evidence of such attraction is exemplified in a sex poll that most males in the poll opt that their physical relationship with another woman can only last most, 6 months. And when the woman that is in the physical relationship declines the sexual passes, only one percent of males would opt to have this relationship last for 6 months. Thus showing that most male’s carnal desires due to attraction is the major factor, which ends such relationships. Keep in mind these are the same males that have answered almost unanimously to a “difference between love and being in lust” (friends-lovers.com).
*”Friends (1) spend time together, almost every day. (2) They interact freely, easily, and honestly. They feel safe enough to “be themselves,” sharing their private feelings and experiences, both their successes and their failures. (3) To last, both must get more satisfaction than hassle from the relationship. Both must feel they are getting a fair deal. Both must strive to make the other happy. (4) There is a code of ethics between friends based on loyalty and trust. Friends are tolerant of and devoted to each other; they are fair, emotionally supportive, and willing to help whenever needed.” *Clayton E. Tucker
These four factors that characterize a friendship are powerful words and define inter-gender relationships in an ideal world. When in reality, what is more powerful is the effects of attraction, which ultimately dooms such friendships. If dating relationships can end so abruptly (as exemplified above), imagine the length inter-gender relationships have if there is a hint of attraction (especially from males). There is a bright side to this pessimistic view in friendships. When both parties do not act on their attractions, and history is added to the relationship, it is then possible that their relationship can truly be a friendship similar to childhood friendships. In these fast times, faces come and go especially as you get older. It seems that our culture is blending the two types of friendships together. Attend any college party, add time, and watch as so many potential genuine friendships are washed away in uninhibited carelessness. Although as corny as that sounded it truly is troubling to see how our pace of life dictates the same pace in relationships. It is troubling to see how fast attraction can be used as a justification to go for it without looking at the consequences. The search for everlasting companionship is truly amazing, when it works.
Sources
http://mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/chap9/chap9m.htm http://friendsandlovers.com/sexpoll/ —-
